he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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