My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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