If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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