Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
