Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
