party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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