last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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