Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
