Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
