I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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