I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
50% drunk capacity currently
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
