Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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