Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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