I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
