Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
