Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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