we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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