how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
