I'm so fucking centered right now
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
