Well apparently he's into motor boating.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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