Duck Duck Cougar?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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