I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize