That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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