My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
