I can tuck mytits in my pants
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
