She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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