I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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