Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
