Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
