the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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