Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
