its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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