when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
