Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
