I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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