Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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