it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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