upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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