Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
