Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
