Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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