I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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