I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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