I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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