Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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