Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
