Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Vodka?
Forever.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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