also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
