I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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