Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
