Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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