Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
